All My Secrets Away

I can’t plan. Well, I can. I can’t follow my plans on what topics I want to discuss here.  Why? I don’t know, I don’t care. You shouldn’t either.

I have about a half dozen voices in my head, all talking at once right now, one wants me to follow the notes on the observations I made about life, kids, some funny conversations, some serious issues on education, things I learned, things I am still trying to figure out, things from the past I want to get rid of, affirming some future goals, do what I have to do in the present versus what I want to do, which sometimes might not be quite aligned together.

Is my spelling okay? How about my grammar? I am enjoying winter break, two weeks of intense reading and studying (I’m behind my schedule, but, I have faith, I believe I can fly… eh… make it thru).  I’m holding on, I don’t know to what or what for, I am blind, but, in a sort of strange awareness, I still see it all.  I am proritizing all that alienates me from what’s really important, because, I have no choice righ now… do I?

My personality have two very opposite traits that drive me crazy, I can be daring, fearless, I will jump into any project that seem worthy of being experienced, worthy of my time and dedication, even if it turns out not to be so… there is the risk.  And, then, oh my, security, certainty, making decisions that are based on logics and careful analysis.  Is my spelling still correct? If anything, I will review it tomorrow.

To die young is actually better, for you didn’t even have the opportunity to really develop all of what you could be. To die near you 30s, sucks a big deal. I think this voice in my head is high, don’t pay much attention to it.

How many people do you have in your life? People that really care about you and viceversa? How many times have they gone the extra mile to show you they care and viceversa? How many real friends do you have and how much do you do to keep them in your life? Does it take too much work? Are you going to die alone?

Is what you do making any difference in a life that is not only yours? What does having a meaningful life mean to you? Do we all have to live that way? Is that the purpose of life? Is that the purpose of death?




About Cecilia Duarte

in a constant epistemic vertigo
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